Tuesday 12/09/2014 by phishnet

THE GRINCH WHO STOLE TWEEZER

Every Woo down in Wooville liked Tweezer a lot
But the Grinch who lived just north of Wooville did not!

The Grinch hated Tweezer! The whole Tweezer season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

It could be, perhaps, that his lid was too tight.
It could be his pen wasn’t working just right.

But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his balls were two sizes too small.

But, whatever the reason -- his hat, pen, or balls --
He stood there, a jaded phan, hating Woo calls,

Staring down from the loge with a sour, Grinchy stare
At the Woos and their crews and dredlockified hair

For he knew every Woo down in Wooville below
Was busy preparing to woo at the show.

"See them quaffing their cocktails," he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is New Year’s! It's practically here!"

Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming,
"I must find some way to keep Tweezer from coming!

For, tomorrow, I know all the Woo chicks and brahs
Will awaken and dream of Tube Screamers and wahs!

And then! Oh, the boys! Oh, the boys! Boys! Boys! Boys!
There's one thing I hate! It’s the BOYS! BOYS! BOYS! BOYS!

And they'll shriek squeaks and squeals, racing 'round through the venue.
They'll dance while the Phish offers songs off their menu.

They'll hit their woo-floovers. They'll nibble woo-tookas.
They'll blow their woo-hoopers. They'll doink their woo-dookas.

They'll spin their woo-trumkas. They'll slam their woo-slunkas.
They'll beat their woo-bloopas. They'll wham their woo-wonkas.

And they'll play Phishy games like All Fall Down and then D’OH
(A language unknown but to those in the know).

Then the Woos, young and old, will get down to some funk,
And they'll funk! And they'll funk! And they'll FUNK! FUNK! FUNK! FUNK!

They'll funk on Woo grilled cheese, and rare Woo lot food
(Raw lot food is certain to sour your mood).

And then they'll do something that sucks most of all:
Every Woo down in Wooville, the tall and the small,

They'll stand close together, in sync with their doing,
They'll stand hand-in-hand, and those Woos will start wooing!

"And they'll woo! And they'll woo! And they'll WOO! WOO! WOO! WOO!"
And the more the Grinch thought of this vile Tweezer poo,
The more the Grinch thought, "I must not let them woo!

Why, for forty-six years I've put up with it now!
I must stop Tweezer from coming! But how?"

Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
The Grinch got a sinister, awful idea!

"I know just what to do!" The Grinch coughed in his throat.
"I'll make a quick Gordy Claus scarf, and a coat!"

And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great grinchy jape!
I’ll look just like Saint Mike with this scarf on my nape!”

"All I need is a golf cart." The Grinch looked around.
But since golf carts are scarce, there was none to be found.

Did that stop the Grinch? Sheeit! The Grinch simply said,
"If I can't find a golf cart, I'll make one instead!"

So he fetched his dog ‘Pua, and then some old tires.
And he fastened them all with some duct tape and wires.

Then he loaded some vodka and rum and kahlua
On his ramshackle sleigh and he called for Harpua.

Then the Grinch cried "G.A.!" and the rig started down
Toward the back of the floor where the Woos would dance ‘round.

All their eyes faced the stage. No one knew he was there.
All the Woos were just busting sweet moves without care
When he saw a young scenester with monster beard hair.

"This is mark number one," the old Gordy Claus hissed,
As he snuck in behind, ether rags in his fist.

Then he slid a few fingers into the Woo’s drawers
(Environs ill-suited for timid explorers).

He got stuck only once, during “Rift” > “Funky Bitch,”
Then he pulled out his hand without ripping a stitch

And he smiled at his take, a green pointer-laser,
Which he used to zap Dirksen’s old corduroy blazer.

Then he slithered and slunk through the skunk most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he robbed all those present!

Bop guns, Bug-poogas, phan-tookas, and thwocks!
Whammies, and fight bells, and ‘Plexes, and ‘Docs!

And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Grinch, very stealth,
Absconded with Phish-and-fans’ ill-gotten wealth.

Then he slunk to the tour bus, and then what he did
Was he took six of Fishman’s 18 lovely kids.

He cleaned out the stash box as quick as a flash.
Why, that Grinch even took the last lid of Woo hash!

Then he stuffed all the stuff in his old ratty tent
That he’d traded for second gen tapes of Great Went.

As the Grinch zipped the fly on his tent to the top,
He heard a sharp noise that he thought was a cop.

He spun around quick, and he saw a small Woo!
Little Cindy-Lou Woo, who was just twenty-two.

She stared at the Grinch and said, "Gordy Claus, why,
Why are you fucking up Tweezer Day? Why?”

But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so greasy,
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up easy!

"Why, my sweet little mama," fake Gordy Claus spewed,
"Phish 3 can’t compete with Phish 1 and Phish 2,

So I'm taking them back home to Burlington, dear,
I'll fix them up there, then I'll bring them back here."

And his fib fooled the Woo. Then he patted her head,
And he gave her a beer, and he sent her to bed.

And when Cindy-Lou Woo was in bed with her stout
He loaded his van and he bugged the fuck out!

Then he did the same thing to the Woos' hotel rooms,
Made off with their shoeses and Fruit-of-the-Looms.

It was quarter of dawn. All the Woos to a man
Were a-snooze due to booze when he packed up his van.

Packed it up with their tickets, their rage sticks, their glitter,
Their snoofs and their fuzzles, their kid’s babysitter!

Ten thousand feet up, past the dogs in their fountains,
He rode with his load up to Icculus Mountain.

"Pooh-pooh to the Woos!" he was grinchily humming.
"They're finding out now that no Tweezer is coming!

They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
Their mouths will hang open a minute or two

Then the Woos down in Wooville will all cry boo-hoo!
That's a noise," grinned the Grinch, "that I simply must hear!"
He paused, and the Grinch put a hand to his ear.

And he did hear a sound rising over the lot.
It started quite cold, then it got pretty hot.

But this sound wasn't pissed!
Why, this sound sounded blissed!

Every Woo down in Wooville, the tall and the small,
Was wooing without any jamming at all!

He hadn't stopped Tweezer from coming! It came!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Grinch, with his grinch feet ice-cold in a puddle
Stood puzzling and puzzling, his face all befuddled.

It came without that! It came without this!
It came without glitter, or shatter, or Phish!"

He puzzled and puzzed till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before.

Maybe Tweezer, he thought, doesn't come from a store.
Maybe Tweezer -- and Tweeprise -- mean just a bit more!

And what happened then? Well, in Wooville they say
That the Grinch's wee balls grew THREE sizes that day!

And then the true meaning of Tweezer came through,
And the Grinch found the swag of ten Grinches, plus two!

With a grin on his grill, he came down from the hills
Jamming away on Mike’s ganked power drill

He cruised into Wooville. He brought back the toys.
He brought back Fishman’s children, the girls and the boys.

He brought back their snoof and their tringlers and foozles,
Brought back their woo-tookas, their dafflers and woozles.

He brought back Diego, Guyute the pig,
And he, he himself (the Grinch!) even woo’d at the gig!

Welcome Tweezer. Bring your cheer,
Cheer to all Woos, far and near.

Tweezer Day is in our grasp
So long as we have hands to clasp.

Tweezer Day will always be
Just as long as we have we.

Welcome Tweezer while we stand
Heart to heart and band in hand.

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Comments

, comment by anaheim
anaheim :)
, comment by Just_Ivy
Just_Ivy That just made my entire month :)
, comment by Tando
Tando Very 😊
, comment by Tando
Tando :)
, comment by Jacculus
Jacculus Image
, comment by johnnyd
johnnyd Sofa King Epcot.

/boys'd
//18 kids'd
, comment by Ouish
Ouish Image

Thank you SOOOO much! I love this!
, comment by FunkyCFunkyDo
FunkyCFunkyDo Morning in the Pacific Northwest
Dreary and gray
Reading this is the best
What a way to start the day!
, comment by mfhgreyboy
mfhgreyboy Afucking+
, comment by WordsFromASong
WordsFromASong Fun!
, comment by 5errr
5errr well played.
, comment by pikepredator
pikepredator Woo!
, comment by MUMBY
MUMBY Brilliant, but fuck the woos. Save it for the Twist: http://youtu.be/E7NrOmXmANc
, comment by LicentiousFunkGroove
LicentiousFunkGroove Amazing. Did anyone else read this to themselves with the cadence and voice from the original Grinch? Flawless!
, comment by J_D_G
J_D_G Hard to get better than this. A masterpiece.
, comment by LeverGirl0
LeverGirl0 Woo! ❤️😊👍👌👊
, comment by MrSnrub
MrSnrub Please, please someone record this in a Boris Karloff voice so I can listen to it Christmas morning. An instant classic.
, comment by sleepingmonkey_
sleepingmonkey_ phucking brilliant
, comment by fluff_hen
fluff_hen So clever and so right on. WOOOOOOOO!
, comment by perryc172
perryc172 Now this is my kind of Christmas tale!
, comment by Lee_Fordham
Lee_Fordham pret-ty pret-ty good.
, comment by whatstheuse324
whatstheuse324 Thank you, that was wonderful.
, comment by stardog2012
stardog2012 Spot on! Woo haters need to learn how to surrender to the flow!
, comment by FreeGhost82
FreeGhost82 This is so great! Trey would especially like this! Was this written by one person or collectively?
, comment by SageDabbler
SageDabbler super awesome
, comment by Ez_and_not_so_Fast
Ez_and_not_so_Fast Excellent, wow, thank you for the hearty belly laughs!
, comment by mikh2wg
mikh2wg Great stuff!
, comment by B_rye
B_rye well done my friend!
, comment by First_Tube85
First_Tube85 Too funny. Great job.
, comment by dividedsky83
dividedsky83 Simply perfect!
, comment by treyfaces
treyfaces This surely indeed was a pleasure to read.
, comment by thebosher
thebosher Nice! Very funny, good job
, comment by Ocelot256
Ocelot256 Great job!
, comment by StStephen
StStephen +1 clever and really funny
, comment by BlisterInTheSun
BlisterInTheSun Outstanding....especially for someone who normally feels kinds "grinchy" about WOO's in the first place (like me!)....
, comment by abrandeis
abrandeis Fantastically Amazing. That was just what I needed on this slow Friday
, comment by mrfunnybusiness
mrfunnybusiness i stand and applaud. thank ya kindly indeed
, comment by qbeensis
qbeensis Woo!
, comment by Birdymckee
Birdymckee Very Nice Indeed. Such a wonderful read :)
, comment by NICUR2HI
NICUR2HI Awesome.
, comment by timber02
timber02 nod to @The_Book ?
, comment by Jestinphish
Jestinphish Best phan-fiction I've ever read. Absolutely wonderful.
, comment by toddvoss
toddvoss Favorite Line-
Then he stuffed all the stuff in his old ratty tent
That he'd traded for second gen tapes of Great Went.
, comment by lysergic
lysergic *clap clap clap*
, comment by eeonbeeon
eeonbeeon This just made my day! Well done!!!
, comment by MikeBombs
MikeBombs Awesome and very we done.
, comment by GAphishin
GAphishin Ralphie! I have been waiting for ink to phlow phrom a pen with such passion and phocus!
A ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
, comment by davidpo61
davidpo61 Love it... Image
, comment by echotribe
echotribe Wooooo!!
, comment by mustang0492
mustang0492 I love this!
, comment by tela13
tela13 Absolutely perfect. Woo!!
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